If someone were to ask me now what I wished to learn when I was little, I would answer without hesitation: empathy, discipline, and understanding of emotions. Today, I will delve into the topic of empathy, and in future posts, I will focus on the other two aspects.

What empathy is not?

Before delving deeper into the theme of empathy, let’s clarify what empathy is not, as many people feel confused about this skill and how to use it in our relationships. Let’s begin with what empathy is not.

Empathy does not mean agreeing with every action or decision someone makes. It’s not about endorsing any behavior or opinion, regardless of circumstances. Empathy doesn’t presume that you must necessarily share someone else’s feelings or beliefs; rather, it involves trying to understand and respect those feelings and beliefs.

Furthermore, empathy doesn’t require you to become a person who abandons your own limits or values in the name of others. It’s important to maintain your authenticity and integrity, even while practicing empathy.

Empathy doesn’t necessarily involve providing immediate advice or solutions. Sometimes, people just need to be heard and understood without receiving instant fixes for their problems. Empathy often involves creating a safe space for the other person to express their feelings and feel understood.

What is empathy?

As we have clarified what empathy is not, let’s now explore what empathy is and how we can use it in our relationships with others. Empathy is the ability to genuinely and deeply understand and feel the emotions and perspectives of others. It is an act of compassion and connection with others that can strengthen relationships and promote mutual understanding.

I grew up in a generation where expressing emotions was seen as a sign of weakness. We weren’t allowed to cry, laugh too loudly, or play without restrictions. Whenever tears welled up, we’d hear phrases like, “Be quiet and stop crying,” “You look ugly when you cry,” or “You’re making a fool of yourself.” Loud laughter was met with comments like, “You’re disturbing the neighbors,” or “Don’t laugh so loudly.” And when we played, it was inevitable to hear, “Life is about work, not play.” It seemed that no matter what we did, someone was there to correct us, to temper us, making us feel insecure and inhibited. Unfortunately, this is the reality for many of us. I’m not saying these things to blame anyone but to emphasize that our parents did the best they knew how. They loved us in their own way, passing down the patterns they received from their own parents. It’s a cycle we can choose to understand and change for future generations.

What our parents didn’t realize is that in their attempt to make us quiet and well-behaved, they created emotional pressure within us. Perhaps on the outside, things appeared calm, but inside, our emotions were building up like in a pressure cooker, ready to explode. Denying a child’s emotions is one of the greatest traumas a child can go through. Our abilities to recognize and name emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness were amputated. We were children who didn’t understand what they were feeling, only that their feelings were too strong and needed to be suppressed.

This approach not only deprived us of understanding ourselves but also hindered us from developing skills like discipline, empathy, and responsibility, both towards ourselves and others. The way we were treated in childhood influenced our behavior towards others, not because we were inherently unkind, but because that was the model we knew. And then, when you become an adult, you find yourself unprepared for the responsibilities at work, in the family, lacking discipline, and without the capacity to understand the needs of others. It’s tragic to reach adulthood and feel the need to heal the wounds of childhood.

Empathy in Childhood: Breaking the Cycle

What we have now, which previous generations didn’t have to the same extent, are resources and information. We have access to studies, books, and experts who can guide us in raising our children. Thus, we have a unique opportunity to fundamentally change the way we relate to our children’s emotions and needs.

Instead of perpetuating old patterns, we can choose to understand and validate our children’s feelings. Every time a child is in a difficult situation, instead of suppressing their emotions, we can choose to be present and supportive.

For example, when a child is crying due to strong emotions, instead of saying “be quiet and stop crying,” we could say, “I understand that you’re upset or sad. I want you to know that I’m here for you. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

This simple act of validating a child’s feelings and trying to understand what they’re going through helps them develop empathy. They learn that their feelings are important and that there is a healthy way to express them. Moreover, you provide them with a model of empathetic behavior that, over time, they will adopt in their interactions with others.

So, let’s use all the resources at our disposal and ensure that we raise understanding, empathetic, and emotionally well-balanced children who are prepared to face life’s challenges with wisdom and compassion.

How to develop empathy to a child?

I’ve thought about all the common phrases I’ve heard or personally used, and below, I’ll provide some practical examples of how we can transform them into an empathetic approach.

  • Instead of “Don’t cry, it’s not that bad!” say “I understand you’re upset. Do you want to tell me what happened?”
  • Instead of “Don’t behave like that!” say “I’m sorry you feel this way. What made you feel like this?”
  • Instead of “Don’t be sad!” say “I see you’re sad. Do you want to talk about it?”
  • Instead of “Don’t get so upset!” say “I can see you’re very frustrated. Let’s find a solution together.”
  • Instead of “Why did you do that?” say “What made you make that choice? Let’s discuss it.”
  • Instead of “Don’t be afraid!” say “I understand you’re scared. I’m here with you. What would make you feel safer?”
  • Instead of “You’re a bad child!” say “We all make mistakes. Let’s find a way to fix this together.”
  • Instead of “Don’t be jealous!” say “I understand you feel left out. Do you want to tell me more about your feelings?”
  • Instead of “You have to share your toys!” say “I know sharing can be hard sometimes. How do you think the other child would feel if you lent them your toy for a little while?”
  • Instead of “Don’t be so nervous!” say “I see you’re upset. Let’s take a deep breath together and talk about what’s bothering you.”

Empathy is learned through example and experience. By providing an environment filled with understanding, patience, and open communication, we can help the child develop this essential skill for interpersonal relationships. By using these approaches, we not only help children feel understood and validated but also provide them with the tools necessary to develop empathy towards others.

Parenting

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