Have you ever wondered how to get your child to accept something when it’s opposed to what they want? Or why do they never listen to you when you ask for something? When is the right time to ask them for something? What is the right tone to use? What factors can influence your choices and/or theirs?

As a parent, I have often experienced the frustration of being rejected by my own child when asking them to do something. Whether it’s getting dressed or doing their homework, it’s always difficult to reach an agreement when they say “no”. However, through trial and error, I have learned that this is an opportunity to teach them to be a collaborative partner rather than just a listener.

Reasons behind the refusal

I have come to understand that the reason behind my child’s Emma, refusal can differ in each situation. Sometimes it’ll be due to a lack of understanding or fear, whilst other times it’ll be due to a desire for more autonomy. To reach a positive outcome, I have learned to pay attention and try to understand the reasons behind their refusal.

Often, I have found that changing my approach and offering alternative options have been the key to reaching an agreement with my child. Instead of simply asking them to do something, I offer options that allow them to feel more involved in the decision-making process. This allows my child to feel more autonomous and involved in the decisions they make, and ultimately say “yes”.

Despite often being an effective method, I have learned that the proposed act of turning refusal into acceptance does not always work. It is important to adapt to the individual needs and desires of each child, and to recognize that there are times when it is important to be consistent in what we ask of them.

Then, there is the refusal due to lack of understanding. I have come to the conclusion that it is important to explain to children the importance of certain things and to provide solid arguments for why I am asking them to do something. I have discovered that when my child understands the reasons behind my request, they are more willing to co-operate and do as they’re asked to.

How I have applied this approach with my children:

  1. Refusal to eat vegetables – Emma refused to eat vegetables, regularly stating her dislike for them. Instead of insisting that she eats them, I began to offer alternative options. For instance, I allowed her to pick and choose the vegetables she wanted to eat. I have also explained the importance of good nutrition and demonstrated examples of individuals who had healthy diets and longer lifespans. Over time, she became open to trying new vegetables, and we discovered a few that she really enjoyed.
  2. Another example would be related to bedtime. When Emma refused to go to bed at the established times, which resulted in tiredness and behavioural issues the next day, we communicated with her and we learned that she wanted more autonomy. In response to this, we offered alternative options that made her feel more involved in the decision-making process. Instead of simply telling her to go to bed at the established time, we offered her two options: to choose a bedtime 10 minutes earlier or 10 minutes later than the established time. This way, she felt that she had a say in the choice and was more willing to cooperate.
  3. A child who refuses to do homework may have difficulty understanding the subject or may be too tired to concentrate. In such cases, we can offer our help to assist them in completing their school assignments and to learn better. In other situations, the child’s refusal may be a signal that they need more attention or help from us.
  4. Making the bed: When my child refused to make their bed, I tried to explain the importance of responsibility and tidiness in their room. I showed them how a well-made bed makes the room look cleaner and more organized, which can have a positive effect on their mood. I encouraged my child to choose their own style of arranging the pillows and sheets, which helped them feel more involved and motivated to make their bed every morning.
  5. To wash hands: When my child refused to wash his/her hands, I tried to explain the importance of personal hygiene and showed him/her that regular hand washing can prevent the spread of diseases. I made hand washing a fun activity and used soaps with different scents to make him/her feel more motivated to wash his/her hands.
  6. To organize their toys: When Emma refused to organise her toys, I wanted to find a way to make it seem less like a chore and more like a game. I explained to her how a clean and organised room can be more pleasant and easier to play in. Together, we came up with a toy organisation system using baskets and boxes to sort them by type or size. I made sure to involve her in the creation process, which made her feel more invested in the system. I noticed that she was more willing to organise her toys and keep them in order once we did this.

These examples illustrate the importance of being creative and flexible when tackling our child’s refusal, and offering alternative options that allow them to feel more involved and autonomous. Ultimately, this can lead to better collaboration, and less tension in the parent-child relationship.

When we are able to work together towards an agreement by understanding and respecting our child’s needs and desires, the relationship between parent and child strengthens. When children feel listened to and respected by us (their parents) they are more likely to develop a positive and healthy relationship with us, which is in the best interest of all family members. 

 

Parenting